Charlie Swan is taking 'Parental Control!
by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles
Summary: So we all know MTV's 'Parental Control? *Evil Minions nod heads* And we all know Charlie HATES Edward? *more nodding* So he's taking control! But who is the contestant pale with the obviously fake moustache? And why does he look so familiar?....
1. Chapter 1

**Sooooo, I don't own Twilight or Parental control, I just popped them in a blender and WHAM! A yummy Parental control/twilight milkshake! Yummy! Drink up!**

BPOV

"You did WHAT?" I screamed, clutching Edward's hand extra hard.

"Signed you up for 'Parental Control." Charlie replied calmly. His eyes were wistful. "A wonderful, wonderful TV show."

I looked over at Edward who was pursing his lips so he wouldn't start laughing.

"I get to choose two guys for you to date," he continued, "And hopefully you'll pick one of them therefore dumping the scum you're dating now."

Edward began shaking with suppressed laughter.

"I am _not_ going on this show." I yelled.

"Yes you are!" Charlie bellowed back.

"I'm not!"

"You are!"

"Bella, I think you should go on this show." Edward managed to choke out.

"What?" me and Charlie yelled simultaneously.

"Yeah. It will show Charlie here that you aren't gonna leave me just because you meet someone else. That our relationship is strong."

"What?" we both repeated.

"I just told you. Scroll up the fanfic a little."

*****Bella and Charlie scroll up.*****

"Whatever. Bella, fill out the profile thing on the bench . I start looking for my future son-in-law on Tuesday." And Charlie walked out of the room.

"Edward!" I cried, plopping down on a kitchen chair. "How could you do this to me?"

"Ok, I already explained. Do you need to scroll up again?"

"No." I grumbled.

"Now lets fill these out." he grabbed the piece of paper.

**Name: **_Bella Swan_

**Age:**_ 18 (Forever if I get my-.....No...Edward! Give me back the pen!...Thank you.)_

**Describe your perfect guy: **_Pale. 108 years old...._

"Bella. No."

"Fine."

_17 or 18 years old. Sparkles in th....._*Edward glares* _Fast when he runs. Strong. Name is Edward Cull....._

"Why don't we move onto the next question...." he suggested hastily.

**What don't you like about your boyfriend?: **_Nothing! He is perfect in every way. I don't want ANYONE ELSE! _*Edward grabs pen, crosses out Bella's writing and writes his own answers.* _I love my boyfriend but am willing to try to get along with anyone my Father suggests for me, with grace._

"No! Thats it!" I yelled, throwing the paper in the vague direction of Charlie. "Thats all you're getting, Dad! Happy auditioning!"

Tuesday- Day of auditioning

EPOV

"Bella, you know, this is _really_ immature." I complained. "And its cramped. And you smell great."

She smiled. "Thank you Edw-...oh right. Not a compliment. Sorry."

"Don't mention it. But if you really want to mention something, could you mention why we're hiding in a closet?"

She sighed. "Because Charlie and Billy are going to walk in here any moment and start auditioning these losers so I want to know what to expect."

"Why is Billy here?"

"There had to be two parental figures. Billy was eager to ruin my love life as well." she shrugged.

"Makes sense." I agreed

**Parental Control**

**Narrator: **Meet Isabella Swan.

**Bella: ***scowls* Its Bella.

**Narrator: **Her father Charlie and his...friend....*looks sideways*, Billy....

**Charlie and Billy:** *wave eagerly at the camera*

**Narrator: ….**Hate Bella's boyfriend! So they're taking control!

*Parental Control theme song*

**Bella: **Hi, I'm Bella. I love my boyfriend Edward...Mmmm...Edward...*begins to drool*

**Narrator: **Bella? *prods Bella with stick*

**Bella: **Oh. Sorry. Right. So I love Edward but he has some flaws..*looks through script* flaws...flaws...Oh right. *speaks in monotone voice* He is a little bit over protective.

Example flashback:

**Edward: **Bella! Don't jump off that cliff!

**Bella: **Oh, Edward! You're so overly-protective! The sharp rocks at the bottom wouldn't hurt me! And Jacob gets to do it all the time! *pouts*

**Edward: **Well, Bella, If Jacob jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

**Bella: **Thats my point!

Example flashback ends.

**Bella: **More flaws...Oh, right! Plus, *giggles* He...oh god this is great...he sometimes gives me..the...*collapses in helpless laughter* THE COLD SHOULDER! HAHAHA!

**Narrator: ***clears throat* Right. So, Bella might like Edward, But Charlie and Billy don't.

**Charlie: **No. We don't. He's so irritatingly polite all the time and its patronizing! And he left Bella! *looks over to Billy for support.*

**Billy: ***Nods eagerly*

**Charlie: **Yes! He left her. She was so sad!

**No-existent-live-audience:** Awwwww!

**Charlie: **And I just don't want that to happen again.

**Narrator: **So Charlie and Billy are choosing two guys for Bella to date.

**Charlie: **Ok. Come on in, Boy number one!

**Boy number one:** Hi! I'm Jacob! I am kinda unstable but underneath-...

**Charlie and Billy: **You're Perfect!

**Jacob:** Shucks, but I'm really here to apply for dating Bella....

**Charlie:** Next!

**Boy number two: **Hi! I'm Mike! I resemble a lovable dog, enjoy fantasizing about pale girls and....

**Billy: ***mutters to Charlie* Mind if I keep this catch for myself? *licks lips*

**Charlie: **Next!

**Boy number three: **Hi, I'm Tyler. My hobbies include trying to run over police-officer's daughters with my van and...

**Mumbling-male-voice-from-closet: **No! No-one must run over my precious...ooff!

**Charlie: **Note to self: must tell Officer Bob to keep close eye on his daughter around this one...Next!

*Pale boy with abnormally large and fake looking moustache*

**Billy: **Hey! That door you entered from wasn't the door! Hmmmm...

**Boy number four: ***In incredibly fake German accent* Hayloo. Ma name is Ed...-mund. I vood like to date your daughter.

**Charlie: **Ok, Edmund. But I feel like I know you from somewhere....?

**Billy: **Yes. I feel that way too. My somewhat canine senses are tingling...

**Jacob: **Hooooowwwwwl!

**Boy who looks slightly like Edward with a moustache: **Uh...No, Idea what you say about...Did I mention that I can play the piano?

**Muffled-female-voice-from-closet: **Thats it Edward! Work it boy!

**Charlie: ***Whispers to Billy* Ok, I liked the others, but this guy is weird....

**Edmund: ***eyes do not fill with tears because vampires cannot cry, but if they could, eyes would be filling with tears*

**Billy:** Goodbye Edmund.

**Edmund: ***Runs back to closet*

**Billy: **Yes, I'm pretty sure thats a closet...

**Charlie: **Never you mind. Lets pick our boys....

*They both look over pictures of teenage boys with lustful eyes.*

**Billy: **I'm pocketing this picture. I'm sure I've got a heart shaped frame somewhere at home...

**Charlie: **I pick him. *points to picture which is cryptically covered for suspense*

**Billy: **But _I_ wanted him!.....I mean I wanted to _pick_ him...heh heh...

**Charlie: **Why don't you pick..._Him!.._Idiot....

**Billy: **Fine. *frowns at Charlie and pockets picture of Mike*

**K, so give me some feedback people! How are my milkshake making skills? Any plot line ideas? Anything? More Edward ice-cream? More Bella flavored milk? Hmmm? Review! Or my blender might conveniently 'break down' haha! **

**REVIEW! xo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok, Zip your little lips up! I'm not supposed to be writing a chapter today! So shhh its a ! I wrote this in a couple of mins because I didn't know when I would get to write again. Think of it as a really tiny snack to keep you going till lunch. K?**

**Narrator: **Welcome back to 'Parental Control'!

**Bella: ***mutters* Whats so welcome about it. I'm here against my will and even though I'm in love with a perfectly good vamp...

**Edward: ***Puts hand over Bella's mouth*

**Charlie: ***bounces in seat* See! See! He's all controlling! Right, Billy?

**Billy: ***stops twiddling thumbs and nods*

**Narrator: **Ok. So Bella is going to go out with two guys her father and...um...friend.

**Charlie and Billy: ***link arms* _Best_ Friends!

**Narrator:** Yeah, so she's gonna go out with two guys Billy and Charlie picked out for her while Edward sits at home with them. And then, she's gonna pick one of the three hopefully dumping the scum she's dating now. Kapeesh?

**Non-existent-live-audience-: **Kapeesh!

*Edward and Bella enter*

**Edward: **Good afternoon, Charlie, Billy.

**Charlie: **Watch your mouth! *growls*

**Narrator:** Billy's pick is up first!

**Billy:** Danm straight it is! I picked this guy, because he's hot, he blonde and if Bella won't have him, I will!

**Bella: ***Bedroom cam* I was kinda worried about Billy's pick. I don't usually go for blondies. I mean, Rosalie is a bitch, Jasper wants to eat m.....

**Edward: ***Drags Bella from room by hair*

**Charlie: **ABUSE! ABUSE!

*Doorbell rings*

**Billy: ***Begins to squeal* OMFG! He's here! He's here! Charlie! Hows my hair? *Checks self out in mirror*

**Charlie:** Ummm, long and...black and...

**Billy: ***Rolls self to door and opens it* Mikey-Poo! You made it! Can I offer you a drink? Harry Clearwaters home-made fishfry?

**Mike: **Isn't that Charlie's fave?

**Charlie: **And isn't Harry dead?

**Billy: **Harry! Oh Harry! I need a hug. *Hugs Mike*

**Narrator: **We are experiencing technical difficulties.....Ummm, Buzz Buzz.

* * *

Narrator: And we're back!

Mike: Hey Bella and....woweee! Sexy!

Edward: Growl.

Mike: Ready to go on our date?

Bella: No. *Handcuffs self to Edward*

Mike: Wow...this is awkward. I was actually talking to Edward...Oh, and growl to you too! *Winks*

Edward: *Shudders*

Billy: *Runs out of room*

Everyone: ?

Mike: I think I got the wrong TV show.

Narrator: Ya think?

Billy: *Walks back into room wearing pale make-up and bronze wig* The things I do for love.

Bella: I'm just gonna get this over with. I mean how bad can it be?

Alice: *Pops head in* Heh heh. Very bad.

Bella: K, where is the key to the handcuffs?

Mike: *Hides something behind back* No idea. I guess Eddy will just have to come too....

**Yeah, its short. Sorry! I have NO idea what to do for Mikes date. So can everyone review and tell me what they think it should be? Please? Because, until I get some ideas, my blender will be put on standby. I know. How awful.**

**Review with ANY ideas! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Previously: **

_Bella: I'm just gonna get this over with. I mean how bad can it be?_

_Alice: *Pops head in* Heh heh. Very bad._

_Bella: K, where is the key to the handcuffs?_

_Mike: *Hides something behind back* No idea. I guess Eddy will just have to come too...._

Bella: Suits me! Come on Eddie-Poo...

Narrator: Nooooo! *bursts into room with an axe*

Everyone: *gasp*

Narrator: What? You've never seen a fat guy before? *Chops the handcuffs apart*

Mike and Bella: Awwww!

Narrator: Bye! *waddles out of room*

Charlie: Well, off you go now! *pushes Mike and Bella out door* have a great time....

Billy: *To mike* Call me!

Narrator: So now Bella's gone, Edward will have to sit here with the parents, cringeing as his girlfriend falls for someone else! How does it feel Edward?

Edward: *Shrugs* I trust her.

Producer: *Runs into room* No! Trust does not make good television! Here are your scripts. *Passes out scripts*

Charlie: .....Ok....Edward, your line is first.

Edward: *clears throat* She...had...better....keep..her...hands.... off...of...him.

*Awkward silence*

Billy: *Nudges Charlie* Psssst! Its your cue!

Charlie: Oh, right...uh...*Shuffles paper* Here we are. Ok. Ahem. You...have...no..kite..uh..right..to...say..that....she..is..not...controlled...by..you.

Edward: Wait, let me just find my...ok. Why you great, smelly....Oh, now thats just rude. I'm not saying that.

Narrator: Yes you are! *Hits rolling pin against palm*

Bella: *pokes head in* Pfff! As if thats going to hurt a vampi.....-

The Cullens: BELLA!

Narrator: Whats a vampi?

Charlie, Billy and Producer: *Shrugs*

Narrator: Anyway, Edward. Say it. Now.

Edward: Fine. Charlie?

Charlie: *bats eyelashes* Yes Edward?

Edward: You are a great smelly.....

Narrator: BLEEP! Te hee hee hee! I'm the BLEEPer. He he.

Charlie: *jumps up and trips* But..I...how can you...I don't...You..I...I don't even know what you're..you can't just....

Billy: *mutters* Hmmm, I wonder who HIS daughter is....

Charlie: Is that REALLY what you think of me, Edward?

Edward: No, duh! HE wrote it! *points ice-cuby hands at Narrator*

Narrator: Ummmm, Hey! Why don't we see what Bella and Mike are up too? Hmmm?

Edward, Charlie and Billy: YAY! Date-snooping!

*A magical pixie switches the TV on*

Edward, Charlie and Billy: OOOO! Magic!

*On screen*

Bella: Soooo, where are you taking me this Edward-free afternoon? *pouts*

Mike: We're supposed to get Ed-cream...ooops, I mean Ice-cream....but...

Mike and Bella: ITS NO FUN WITHOUT EDWARD! *sob on each others shoulders*

Bella: That crooked smile...

Mike: Those golden eyes...

Bella: Hey! Why don't we put the ice-cream in our hands, so it feels like we're honding Edward's hands!?

Mike: Great idea!

*Skip hand in hand to the ice-cream parlour in the sunset*

*Off-screen*

Charlie: Tee he. They skipped off into the sunset! Na na na na na naaaa!

Edward: I never realised how obsessed with me she was...

Billy: *sobbing* How can he like you over me? Is my 'old man' charm wearing off?

Charlie: Na na na na na naaaaaaaa!

Edward: And what about the whole Ed-cream thing? That was just creepy....

Billy: Should I get goldy contacts? Hey, Edward?

Edward:....if only I could eat ice-cream, then I could...Oh, Yes Billy?

Charlie: Na na na na na naaaaaaa!

Billy: How do you acheive the perfect unstraight smile? Do you think I need to read the 'Little crooked man in a little crooked house' book again? Is that like your hand-book or something? Hows this?

Edward: No, more like this....

myboyfriendedwardsparkles: *stops hacking at picture of Bella* Woah....

Charlie: na na na na n-...Woah....

Billy: Mike is officially DUMPED! *runs from room*

Narrator: Woah.

Billy: *returns wearing long brown wig* Hi Edward! Its me! Bella! *sits on Edward's lap*

Edward: Curse you my evil dazzling powers!


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's a weeny teeny chapter to keep you going........ sorry for the spelling mistakes.....**

Narrator: And after that short ad break, we're baaaack!

Billy: *Still on Edwards lap and now playing with Edward's hair* ......And then we could go cliff diving, and then we could eat some of my special spaghetti and then we could....

Charlie: This friendship bracelet mean NOTHING to me now! NOTHING! *throws bracelet on the ground*

Edward: Ughhh....this is wierd on so very many levels....

Billy: ...and then we could go visit Harry's grave and then we could go cliff diving....

Edward: You already said that one.

Billy: Oh. I am so very sorry my lovely. *strokes Edward's face*

*Bella and Mike skip into the room*

Charlie: *tears eyes away from the match made in heaven* Did you have fun?

Bella: *Stops squishing ice-cream between fingers* Oh yes! After we got ice-cream, we went and lay in the frozen vegetables section of the supermarket, because it made us feel like Edward's arms were around us....

Mike and Bella: Sigh. *squish squish*

Narrator: Well, now that Bella's back and the next date hasn't arrived yet, Edward can voice his opinions on what he thought of her behaviour and what went down without her around!

Edward: *Is shaking* ..and...and then he put on a wig and..and sat on my lap....

Bella: Shush. Shush now. Have some ice cream...*squish squish*

Edward: Oh god Bella. it was so awful!

Bella: There there. It was only a dream.

Edward: No it wasn't.

Bella: Yeah right. Suuuure! Billy sat on your lap! Mmmmhmmm and I'm sure Charlie threw his friendship bracel.....! THE SACRED BRACELET IS NEVER TO TOUCH THE GROUND! *scoops up bracelet and lays it tenderly on sacred pillow of knowlege and love.*

Bella: Oh dear. Now now. Its ok...its ok.....don't worry. Everything is going to be alright. You're not hurt are you?

Edward: No. I'm fine. Just slightly shaken and a bit nauseated.....

Bella: Edward! Shut up! Can't you see he's been through an emotional rollercoaster?

Edward: Who has? I'm the only......Bella? Are you talking to a homemade woolen bracel...

Bella: *Slaps Edward* He is no ordinary bracelet!

Edward: looks like it to me.....

Bella: How dare you! *pats bracelet* Its ok, silly man doesn't know a thing. He is silly. Yes he is! Coochie coochie coo!

Edward: Again. Wierd on uncountable amounts of levels....

Narrator: If you two are done.....

Bella and Bracelet: *glares*

Narrator: Ok...sorry! If you _three _are done.....? I think the next date is about to arrive.

Producer: Actually, he shoulda been here a good ten minutes ago. I wonder where he's got too...

Narrator: Who _was _your pick, Charlie?

Charlie: Edmund or whatever his name was. Good taste in facial hair that one.... *strokes own moustache*

Bella and Edward: *Look at each other* Oh. Shit.

**Review! Hope you liked!**


	5. Chapter 5

Bella: You chose, Edmund?

Charlie: Yah. He was yummy.

*Ding dongy!*

Edward: I'll get it!

Billy: No! I feel a love triangle coming on....

Charlie: Stay put!

Edward: *Stays un-puty.*

Charlie: Billy!

Billy: My tush is at your service! *sits on Edward's head*

Edward: Um. ow.

Charlie: *Answers door*

Edmlice: Ugh. Hello?

Charlie: You look different....shorter....spikier hair....

Billy: ...vagina...

Everyone: ?

Billy: I can tell these things.

Narrator: Lets pretend not to have heard that.

Edmlice: Bella!

Bella: Alice.

Charlie: Alice?

Billy: (silly people) Edmund.

Edward: EDWARD!

Narrator: Just go on the freakin date.

(who are we kidding?) Alice-wearing-a-moustache: Can Bella please put on a blonde wig and look like she is in pain constantly? Please? It would make me more comfortable....

Edward: You have a thing for Rosalie?! How come you never said?

Moustache-alice: Jasper! Idiot! Geeeez. You are such a freak sometimes.

Edward: Yeah. In case you haven't noticed I'm not the one wearing a GIANT BLACK MOUSTACHE!

Alice with catapillar on lower lip: At least I'm not in love with someone who is to me what a cheeseburger is to the producer!

Producer: Mmmmmm.....Cheeseburger....with a side of fries...

Edward: Well at least I'm not to Jasper what tinkerbell is to Peter Pan....In size.

Alice: At least I'm not....

Everyone else: *have gone temporarily deaf* Twiddle twiddle, thumbsy, thumbsy.

Narrator: Nice weather we've been having.

Bella: Its been raining for the last 16 weeks. I've been counting.

Billy: I like rain. Almost as much as I like sticking my head out the window when I'm in the car and sticking my tongue out. Let me demonstrate....

Tinkerbell with a moustache: Bella, how about we.....HEY! Wtf is with my name?

Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: I have the keyboard, I make the rules. Deal with it.

Edward: Shot. *high fives Myboyfriendedwardsparkles*

Alice: *pouts* Lets go Bella.

Edward: *starts singing* Goodbye my lover....

Bella: Au Revoir!

Edward: Alice, can I ask you a favour?

Alice: No.

Edward: *puppy dog pouts*

Alice: Fine.

Edward: Ummm, well, you see, I just got Bella drycleaned, would you mind refraining from getting any pixie dust one her?

Alice: OH BILLY! Edward is feeling a little bit sad. He needs a hug.

Billy: Mmmmm, Edward hug....

Edward: He hugs me anyway.

Alice.....He also has a puppy treat hidden somewhere on his body. Its your job to find it. Make sure you check _everywhere_. *winks*

Edward: Noooooo!

Narrator: Now that Billy's found his....erm....treat...

Billy: *chewing on unidentified object* Nom nom nom nom.

Edward: I feel pain. True, real pain.

Billy: Meaty....

Narrator: Its time to snoop on Bella's date with....Edmalice?

Charlie: Edmund. Hey, Billy, gimme some of that....thanks.....mmm, you're right. It _is_ meaty....and cold.

Edward: Well. This will make conceiving Renesmee rather hard....Bella will _not_ be pleased.

Narrator: Who's Renesmee?

Fan girls: *bright eyes* She is half human, half immortal. Brown eyes and.....

Edward: *talking over fangirls* NOBODY! NOBODY AT ALL!

Renesmee: Wow. Thanks a bunch, Dad. First you miss my Ballet recital, now this! You are SO getting a crappy homemade card this fathers day...

Narrator: Whatev. Date snooping time!

*date snooping theme song*

Charlie: Wow thats new!

Narrator: The fangirls funded us.

*magical pixie turns on the tv*

Billy: Hey! When did Alice arrive?

*On screen*

Alice with now lopsided moustache: Bad jeans, bad top. We really need to get you out of those clothes....

*off screen*

Edward: Oooooo! Tinky plays dirty!

Charlie: HA! HAHAHA! On the first date too!

*on*

Bella: Can't we just go play water polo like the other contestants do?

Alice: Sure.

*game of amazing vampire and clumsy human water polo*

*Pixie turns off tv*

Billy: Cheers, Alice.

*'Edmund' and Bella arrive home*

Billy: Nom nom nom nom.

Bella: Hey! What are you eating Billy? Ome. Is that what I think it is?

Edward: Ummmm....No?

Bella: Oh. I could have sworn it was a frozen cocktail sausage...

Edward: Oh no she didn't!

Narrator: And now its time for Bella and Billy to go to her bedroom.....

Billy: Mwahahaha! Since the day she was born....I've been waiting..ever so patiently for this day to come....

Narrator: Followed by Charlie...

Billy: he always cramps my style....

Narrator:...while the three boys sit downstairs staring at each other and muttering "bitch" "slut" under their breath....

*Billy, Charlie and Bella go upstairs*

Edward: So.....

Alice: ….  
Mike: What about that Alice Cullen, huh? Someone should sell her stilts or something...

Edward: Totes. I agree. *bats eyelashes at Alice* what do you think....Edmund?

Alice: I actually happen to think she is a very....

Narrator: LESS HAPPY CHAT!

Three...boys: Sorry. Slut....bitch...etcetera.

*Billy, Charlie and Bella return*

Mike: Wow. Billy, how did you get downstairs when you're in a wheelchair?

Edward: And how did you sit on my knee?

Billy: Well its funny you should ask that....

Narrator: Shhhh! Bella's about to make her descision... *puts microwave popcorn in microwave*

Bella: OK. Stand up boys. Lets get this over with...

Narrator: Noooo! We have to wait three minutes....

*Three minutes later*

Microwave: Beeeeeeep!

Narrator: Ok. Continue.

Bella: Sigh. Three guys stand before me. But I can only choose one...

*dramatic pause*

Billy: Nom nom nom

*Everyone glares*

Billy: Sorry. Did I ruin the moment...?


	6. Chapter 6

**Previously....**

_Bella: Sigh. Three guys stand before me. But I can only choose one..._

_*dramatic pause*_

_Billy: Nom nom nom_

_*Everyone glares*_

_Billy: Sorry. Did I ruin the moment...?_

Narrator: Bella! Hurry up! My pop-corn's getting cold....

Bella: Yeah. K. Well. First of all....Edward. You are so hot...

Billy: Hallelujah to that!

Bella...And you're also..*touches Edward's arm*...cold!

Katy Perry: *pops head in* You're hot, then you're cold, you're yes then you're no!....*looks at Billy* Oooo! *Kisses Billy* I kissed a girl and I liked it!

Billy: What?

Jacob: *pops head in* I keep telling you to get a hair-cut....

Katy: The taste of her cherry chapstick!

Billy: Actually, Its strawberry! Mmmm! *licks lips* Ewww! Can't believe I kissed a GIRL! I feel unclean! *washes hands*

Charlie: Um. Katy, he's a dude. Word. *straightens gangsta hat*

Jacob: Come along now Katy...

Narrator: BELLA SWAN! Hurry up! I can feel the butter hardening on my popcorn!

Bella: Anyway...Edward, your skin is pale white and....

Fangirls: *chant* Ice cold!

Bella: Actually, *pulls out thermometer* He's colder than ice.

Fangirls: *gasp*

Bella: Yup.

Fangirls: *Jumping over each other to take Edward's temperature first*

Bella: Anyway....I love your crooked smile...

Charlie:*recites from book* …..On the little crooked man, in the little crooked house...

Bella: Ok, I'm moving on to Mike.

Mike: *stops beating fangirls with a stick* Get off! He's mine! If anyone gets to take Eddie's temperature, its me!

Bella: You are very fun and we share common interests..

Mike and Bella: Eeeeedwaaard!

Edward: *waves awkwardly* Hi...

Alice: Me next!

Bella: Umm....I like your....moustache?

Alice: *blushes* Shucks.

Charlie: Edmund! Do you condition it daily and then....

Alice:....Blow dry it obsessively and then....

Charlie:....Comb it till it becomes bushy and shiny and lush?!

Alice: Ome! Yes!

Bella: But each of you have flaws...

Edward: No!

Mike: No! Edward is PERFECT!

Alice: ...and then you straighten it.....

Bella: Edward you...

Mike: Block your ears my sweet little cup-cake! *stuffs soft serve ice-cream in Edward's ears*

Bella: This exercise is totally pointless....Mike. You like strawberry ice-cream, thats not how I roll. I'm a chocolate girl.

Edward: *cleaning ice-cream out of ears* What did you say?

Bella: Al-Edmund. Your moustache is...

Charlie and Alice: *glares warningly*

Bella: ...a bit large...?

Charlie and Alice: Oh no she didn't!

Bella: So.

Everyone: SO.

Bella: Taking all that into account..

Non-existent-live-audience: *pull out note pads* Wrong flavor ice-cream guy....Perfect pale dude....Creepy moustache short guy. Who WILL she choose?

Bella: And the guy I choose is....

Narrator: STOP! *pops last piece of popcorn into mouth* I need to run down to the store and but more snacks. Anyone want anything?

**Yeeeeeeeah. So I stopped here coz I was like, having this debate with myself (messed up huh?) Here's how it went....**

**Brain1: Bella should choose Edward. They're soulmates....**

**Brain2: Noooo! Thats such a disney movie ending! She should choose Mike, then they can go lie in freezers together!**

**Brain3: I disagree. Choose Ali...I mean Edmund. Its a weird twist!**

**Ok. So now I'm confused. Who should she choose? Help! Review and tell me what you think! Or she might choose Billy. And no-one really wants that to happen.....**


	7. Chapter 7

Everyone: NO! AND SIT DOWN!

Narrator: FINE! But if I die of starvation in the next 5 minutes, its all your fault! *rubs beer belly*

Edward: *throws Billy off lap* Look. We all know who she's gonna choose, so can't we just get this over with?

Billy: I feel sad, rejected and a little hungry *eyes narrator's empty popcorn wrapper*

Bella: THE GUY I CHOOSE IS CHARLIE!

*awkward shocked silence*

Producer: *whistles* Incest.....

Bella: You don't understand. I'm so over relationships right now. *turns to Charlie* Daddy, I wanna be tucked into bed at night with a bedtime story again, I wanna have fluffy bunny pajamas! I wanna juicy! *starts crying* Ba ba ba blanky!

Charlie: Aw. Come on now. *picks up Bella* _Go to sleeeeep, go to sleeeep go to sleeeep little Bella!_

Edward: I...I don't beleive it....

Alice: *Rips off moustache* Well I did. He-loo! Fortune teller, remember!?

Edward: Bu...Bu...but...lamby....stupid.....lifey...now..now.....volvo....

Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: There there. I'll be your lamb!

Edward: ITS NOT THE SAME! YOU DON'T SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRY SHAMPOO!

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: *lathers self in Bella's shampoo.* are we all good now?

Edward: Oh. Yup. Isle Esme?

MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles: Will there be pillows and headboards?

Edward: Sure.

*MyboyfriendEdwardsparkles and Edward skip off into the sunset*

Billy: C...come back.

Mike: I know how you feel.

Billy: Wanna go lie in the freezer?

Mike: Yuppers. And Ice-cream for dessert.

*Mike and Billy hide in freezer*

Alice: Hmmm....crystal ball gazing time for me, me thinks.

*Alice skips off*

Narrator: Hmmmm....so does this mean I can have a microwave popcorn break?

**Yay! All done! The end! Over!**

**But is it?**

**I wanna do another one!**

**I'm still attached!**

**Maybe one with Carlisle? With a different reality show?**

**Or are you sick of it?**

**Let me know what you think.**

**Untill next time!**

**xx**


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